coping with my Dutch battles

Again a personal update. I write this to share what is on my mind, and to explain how the recent Dutch developments affect me and my activism against forced treatments.

As you may know, I am having quite a battle with the Dutch situation I am in. Most disturbing is the Dutch law reform process, and my personal court proceedings on abuse by forced psychiatry. Both of these processes are very painful to me, since I have always hoped that, in the Netherlands, I could find a remedy for the injustices done to me, and it’s just very painful to see that neither justice nor better laws are being created in the Netherlands. I can still recycle this older post: “Shocking, no access to Dutch remedies” : http://punkertje.waarbenjij.nu/reisverslag/4967248/shocking-no-access-to-dutch-remedies

The lack of Dutch remedies still hurts me so much. It is a very personal pain as well. My activism is not “just a job”. There is a big meaning behind it for me. (also see my testimony: https://tekeertegendeisoleer.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/16-years-old-depressed-and-tortured-in-psychiatry.pdf ). It is about being recognized and counted as a person. And I have put so much of my personal life aside for this cause, invested so many hours, - and I thought I would have time to heal after addressing the injustices, yet time goes by without reaching the remedies. The latter is the reason why the pain of the lack of remedies also links to the pain of sexual abuse.

“I should be recognized as a person, with equal rights in all aspects of life. It should be my right that nobody be allowed to touch my intimate body parts against my will. Every child, and every woman has this right. It should be my right too.”
(https://tekeertegendeisoleer.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/personal-testimony_-gender-interrupted-by-forced-psychiatry.pdf )

I want to feel equal and dignified. I tried so hard to find remedies in the Netherlands. I spoke out to expose the injustices, and stimulated alternatives. Yet the Dutch law reform seems to be going in the wrong direction (expanding forced treatments, in violation of the UN Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities), and I have also basically exhausted all domestic legal remedies in the Netherlands, yet no investigation has ever been done into my complaints of abuse in psychiatric settings (which resembles the horrible cover up of abuses by the Catholic Church). It is a very painful battle. The normal routes to remedy injustices (via jurisprudence or via law reform) both seem to have failed.

It almost feels like I have wasted nearly 2 decades of my life, although I know that is not true (I did achieve many things). But still, the main reason to start my activism was not “to get a career”, but to actually remedy the injustices. And now, a big momentum in the Netherlands is wasted (the harmful law reform seems unstoppable, and I received a final rejection of my complaints under Dutch criminal proceedings in May 2017). So after all, there are still no better laws and no jurisprudence against forced treatments in Dutch mental health care. It seems like I have failed in my attempts to bring change to the Dutch system, and the human rights violations by mental health care are still being ignored – even in the Netherlands. (My high hopes are falling a long way down. It’s still unbelievable that this can happen in the Netherlands. I just cannot get my head around it. How can they ignore this?! This just should not be happening!!).

But I cannot give up believing in justice, simply because a world without justice would be meaningless to me. So I keep on trying.

I am still attempting legal proceedings, currently preparing the application for the European Court of Human Rights (Strasbourg), and at the same time also trying to find a Dutch lawyer to start a Dutch civil court proceeding (which is likely to be an “ineffective remedy”, so my chances may not be big, nevertheless I still want to try it).

However, finding a Dutch lawyer willing to do my case appears incredibly hard, as my earlier experiences already showed (my first Dutch lawyer fell seriously ill in 2008, and since then I have been searching for another lawyer, without success due to various reasons). Now I am approaching Dutch lawyers again, hoping to find anyone willing to help me. It is very hard to be depending on lawyers who are apparently free to reject any case (“no time, not interested, too long ago, seeing no chances, unwilling to do state-subsidized cases”, and so on). It is very hard to get these answers in return, when asking for elementary protection of human rights.

“No lawyer, no rights”. And this can actually happen! In the Netherlands!
This situation makes me very sad and very frustrated at times.

By now I am still searching for a Dutch lawyer, doing 1 or 2 emails per day on this, and carefully managing my emotions that come with that process. It is certainly not an easy task, but I consider it necessary, because justice is necessary.

Luckily there is also something that goes really well.
I am really very happy that I did find a very good international lawyer, who is specialized in taking cases of forced psychiatric treatment to the European Court of Human Rights. I am very, very grateful for his support. He is very motivated, dedicated and supportive. It feels good to have his professional support for my case. It also brings me hope, and it feel absolutely great to be supported. That in itself is a form of recognition too.

Yet dealing with my personal case is hard. It brings back many horrible memories and details of injustices, such as seclusion, restraints, forced medication and forced body cavity searches and so on. And it brings back many horrible feelings as well. I remember exactly how powerless, degraded and desperate I felt. It is not nice to relive that, but it is part of the process, for the sake to protect others from these injustices. I really want these human right violations to be stopped. It nearly costed me my life. I cannot allow this to continue! So I took my old psychiatric files and studied the horrors once more, to answer all the questions my international lawyer had. I am proud that I did that properly. And I am once again reassured that I don’t want anyone else to go through all of this. It is sickening. Solitary confinement and other coercive measures have got nothing to do with mental health care! These measures are just horrific. It is not care. It is torture.

The fact that the Dutch situation is quite hopeless from my perspective, since remedies seem out of reach (after so many efforts), that makes it even harder to bear the memories and feelings. How can it be that the suffering still isn’t recognized by Dutch authorities, while it is obviously torture and other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment? It makes me feel abused again, like I am insignificant, and my voice isn’t listened to, and whatever I do seems in vain (again). I must resist to slide back into feelings of despair and powerlessness.

So I am paying attention to re-balance my mind and my body, since the various stress-factors do affect my body and mind. I am taking time to do what I like, and to feel good, which actually has a perfect timing, in the middle of the summer holiday season.

Regarding the Dutch political situation, I have to think about my strategy, because the Dutch authorities apparently did not respond to my activism so far, and the injustices still continue (and are even further facilitated by the proposed legislation on “mandatory mental health care”). Maybe there is no other option than to push for another (next) reform. – Yet it is very hard to find any faith to think that we will be heard next time (what a bitter pill to swallow!). – Anyway, nobody knows what the future holds, I will aim for my goals.
Regarding the legal proceedings, that will probably take a number of years before anything comes out, which is also very hard. (How old will I be when there will ever be an investigation into my complaints of abuse in (child) psychiatry? – How many victims could have been prevented? How long will this ignorance continue to go on? - It just breaks my heart)

But there is no other option than to hold on, and to stand up for what I believe in, otherwise it will also get harder to be at peace with myself. I really don’t want to be part of ignorance and cruelty. I cannot look away after having experienced the horrifying practices of forced psychiatric treatments. It must be exposed and prevented for others. It is actually a matter of life and death (since it nearly killed me). So I stand up and speak out. There is really no way to accept the injustices.

My personal life and my activism are very much intertwined, which is somewhat logical in my situation. Yet it also means it is very intense. It is not “just a job”. It is a mission that I don’t want to fail, so I give it my maximum of attention. People often say: “you can do anything if you really try”. And I really tried so hard. I had really expected that, in the Netherlands, injustices would be remedied, especially when it is about abuse of children. Why isn’t this the case? (I feel so betrayed right now. I thought I lived in a more developed country).

I am finding my way to deal with this new reality.

It is a lot to take in. It is very confronting to experience the pain by the lack of Dutch political and legal remedies on the one hand, and then at the same time looking closer into the past for my personal legal proceedings, reliving the horrors. So much pain, and still no solution. It can keep me awake at nights.

I just have to take my time for it. I have a lot of feelings to process at this point. Old feelings as well as new feelings. It was like the recent developments opened an overloaded closet, and things started to fall out of it, making a bit of a mess (so many things happened in my life). And the recent Dutch developments bring up so many feelings that I sometimes find my mind miles away from where I actually am.

But I don’t want to be sad or puzzled. Sometimes, instead of looking inwards, it is better look outwards, and focus on the here and now, enjoy myself, and re-connect to my core feelings, which is what I am doing now. The past is the past, and that cannot be changed. I want to make the best of the present and the future. I know what I want to achieve, and why I want that.
I will continue to find my way. What is wrong must be made right. I still believe that I will find justice one day, and that the injustices will stop. Simply because it is the right thing that should happen. And positive energy (such as kindness) is much more inspiring than negative energy (such as oppression), so I really believe positivity is eventually unstoppable.

Altogether it is like I am rebooting. I am finding a new balance to deal with the Dutch lack of remedies. I can already feel the sadness transforming into anger and motivation (and kindness). I will just give it some more time, and enjoy my summer holiday at home.

It’s like I said before:
“It is taking some time to puzzle back the pieces of shattered hope, but I have done it many times before. In fact, my entire activism started just from hope in the darkness, and despite the Dutch disappointments, I came far already. Who knows what I can do in another 10-20 years….
Even when all paths would be ending, then I will just go further from there.. I have paved my own ways before, and I can do it again if I have to. So even when the procedures won’t work, I will pave another way. Clearly, my goal stays the same: abolition of forced psychiatry, because it is inhuman. It is a tough battle.”