Je bekijkt de reis...
Reisverslag 10 days to get my mind home
8 augustus 2012
10 days to get my mind home
Physically I arrived home at 28 July 2012 around midnight, but some things had been so intense, that I felt on a distance to many things. Most of all it was about my own legal case. I felt upset, because I’m trying for about 17 years to get access to justice, and in the Netherlands I just didn’t succeed so far, that hurts. And the course had touched upon those issues, and brought back memories, so there were feelings of powerless and pain coming back.
But most of all, they had offered to take a look at it, and that really caused a rush inside me. It’s about the biggest gift someone can give me. I wanted to take that offer very badly, but there is a language barrier (Dutch and English) so I had to make my work accessible. I felt a rush to do that right away, but it can’t be done in one day. I became glued to my computer, studying my files, writing my time-line. And the files were very nasty, making me feel bad, and then I became numb, and proceeded like a zombie. (and also my internal alarm-bells ringed, because this is not a good attitude for working, I have to care for the future, and not get sucked into negativity). So it was kind of a struggle to study my file, but I felt a very strong need to do it, because I was offered some help, and I wanted to take that with both hands.
Also, when I work on my own files, I get this bad taste in my mouth, and feeling a rush anyway. It brings out so much energy (anger, sadness, powerlessness), and it makes me paralyzed in a rush somehow, with heart beating louder and a weird numbness over my body. Those are side-effects of studying my files. And of course, feeling on a distance.. I’m not really myself when I study these things. For example I find it very hard to relax and to laugh when I’m reliving my past. That is quite hard to deal with, and makes me isolate myself a bit, just because of that gap. So then I also get a need to hurry up with it, because I don’t want to waste my precious social life. So it’s all about the art of balancing. I barely made it :)
I worked very hard, it’s about 50 pages already, and I may have accidentally wrote the manuscript for my book as well (so it’s really worth the efforts!!). It’s not finished yet, but a huge amount of information is already analysed. And –also because I have an appointment with the Ministry of Health about my Eindhoven Model in the context of the new law on ‘forced treatments’ tomorrow – I needed to take a break from my rushes and this project of writing. So I decided “step 1” has been taken now. I have sent my info to Lycette so she can take a look at it, for a first impression. And so far so good. (I didn’t get expelled or whatever – that’s one of these weird fears you get when you get rejected so often..). But I’m feeling great now.
So now, after 10 days of returning home from Budapest, I finally feel like I’m ready to take new information in (and out). And I’m able to look around. I just had to deal with all my rushes. It was so intense for me. It was heavy and beautiful at the same time. Like a storm and the sun together, creating a rainbow. I can finally settle myself on a chair, feeling a bit relaxed. I took the chance that was offered to me. I will finish the rest of the writing soon, after dealing with some other projects that can’t wait.
And also, I just wasn’t able to reflect on the course anymore, because of feeling so rushed and numb. I couldn’t reach the relaxed vibe of working on the cause anymore (so I rushed to fix it, and worked like a workaholic).
And now I feel so much more relaxed. My senses are back. I’m no longer so numbed. It all seems positive so far. I feel supported. And I have the hope that I may actually find a break through with my case. And that’s something I always wanted. So now I have put my files away for a few days, and the bad taste is gone. I can feel again. My mind is back in my body. (like it was delayed from Budapest, but it finally got home). And I feel great today. Now I’m ready again to do what I always do. Let’s bring some positive change!
21 augustus 2012 07:42 | Door: Jeroen Nilis
Je beschrijft perfect het gevoel dat ik had na mijn yoga-kampen in Bonefro, Molise, Zuid-Italië, alleen duurde het wat langer vooraleer mijn mind terug in Leuven was. Erg emotioneel intens, maar ik heb het overleefd, maar niet zonder kleerscheuren.