personal update: busy with Dutch issues

Finally another blog post!
Several weeks after returning from the Conference of State Parties to the UN CRPD (11-16 June 2017), and the NUI Summerschool in Galway (18-25 June 2017), I have still not finished my reports on these events. I think it may be good to give an update on my situation, just to explain why it takes so long to make my reports this time.

There are several reasons why my blog reports of these trips are delayed. It is mainly because I needed some time to restore my inner balance, which doesn’t have much to do with the trips, but is mainly due to my circumstances in the Netherlands. A lot of things are on my mind, and sometimes it takes time to deal with what is underneath the skin.

When I was travelling, there were several things going on in the background.

Most disturbing to me were the issues that are going on in the Netherlands, such as the ongoing Dutch law reform process on forced psychiatric treatments (which is going the wrong way). And also very disturbing is the “dead end” to my Dutch court proceedings to address the harm done by forced psychiatric treatments. Both of these processes are currently very painful to me, since I have always hoped that, in the Netherlands, I could find a remedy for the injustices done to me, and it’s just very painful to see that neither justice nor better laws are being created in the Netherlands. I can actually just recycle an older post on this “Shocking, no access to Dutch remedies” : http://punkertje.waarbenjij.nu/reisverslag/4967248/shocking-no-access-to-dutch-remedies

And actually, I thought I would get over the disappointments a bit sooner, and carry on as always, but apparently, the current waste of the Dutch momentum for change, and the neglect of my complaints by Dutch authorities still affects me deeper than I thought, like it gives a crack in my world view. I’m in the stage of exhausting basically all domestic remedies, and also the law reform is going the wrong way. It’s unbelievable. I voice my complaints for so many years. And now the main momentum for Dutch change seems to be wasted (Dutch law reform and domestic remedies). This is actually still confusing and disturbing me underneath the surface. In the recent months I see my dreams being crushed, there are no remedies via normal routes, and I need to think about “plan B” to achieve my goals. It just hurts deeply, since I started my activism with high hopes. Now I have to evaluate and re-strategize. I never thought this ignorance would actually happen in the Netherlands.

And I thought it would hurt less when I would be away from the Netherlands, and that I would easily get re-empowered and inspired again. But even when I was travelling, meeting great persons, and trying to focus on other issues, the Dutch issues didn’t leave my mind. The pain and powerlessness stayed underneath my skin all the time. I was quite easily triggered into various emotions, although I managed them quite well (and for example, I only approached the Dutch State delegation at the COSP when I felt strong enough to take that). I felt vulnerable, because my emotions could easily be triggered. I tried to avoid that. It was like there was a black hole inside me. I was aware of it, and I was careful.

After my return to the Netherlands, the feelings of powerlessness towards the Dutch injustices were obviously still there. And initially, being back in this state of powerlessness was quite depressing actually. It was disturbing me, almost draining me, so then I decided to deal with these personal issues first, so I would feel better soon. I had to empower myself, to feel not defeated or stuck. I had to find new faith somewhere. I had to reload my battery before I could move on constructively. So I took time for that.

So I decided that I had to face my Dutch struggles first. I have reached the stage of preparing an application to the European Court of Human Rights, which is also very intense in itself, since it brings up the horrors of torture and rejections again. And there is much at stake, since I don’t have many options left to achieve justice at all… And I really want justice to be done. That makes this process somewhat scary too (all or nothing?). It takes a lot of my energy, but I have faith in my international lawyer. (and I try not to worry about other things that could be a barrier). So when I came home, I started working on the preparations for the European Court of Human Rights immediately. It is an intense process, but I absolutely want to keep on trying to find justice and remedies, so I just take my time for that. Taking this step stops me from feeling powerless, and that is very useful at the moment. It is tough, but it is worth it. I long for justice so deeply. Injustices must be condemned and abolished, and not continue with impunity. My heart burns.

Therefore the reports of the Summer School and the COSP still have to wait. I am first taking up the issues that are most disturbing for me, to counter the cumulated feelings of powerlessness, and to get re-empowered. So in the past weeks, I have been dealing with Dutch issues.

By now, I am already feeling much better and much more empowered. The preparation for the European Court of Human Rights is going well. And regarding the Dutch law reform, I am happy to see that 2 political parties did raise questions in the Dutch Senate/First Chamber about forced psychiatric treatments in relation to the UN Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities (UN CRPD). This shows that our activism did make a difference there, and it breaks the trend of political ignorance as was displayed by the Dutch Parliament. So from complete political ignorance, the situation has now moved to some first political questions!! I am actually extremely happy by that. It mends my disappointments a bit. It brings new hope. Apparently, not “everything fails”, but there is just a really long way to go. And some positive developments can be seen, such as the first political questions. It is actually a milestone. So there are still chances for change in the Netherlands. It gives hope. I am finding my faith back. It is good to see that it IS possible to make a difference. I feel much better now. Re-empowered.

So for now, I am still working on my Dutch struggles (mainly on my personal case), and soon I will find the time to write my reports of the COSP in New York and the Summer School in Galway. The COSP and the Summer School were very interesting, and I met many great and inspiring people, who really make me feel good. I really had a good time there.

Afterwards, it was a good choice to deal with the most disturbing issues first (the Dutch issues), so I feel good again (no longer split up between Dutch sadness and international inspiration). Feeling good is obviously very important. By now, I am becoming more whole again: full of inspiration and new hope - even if I need to move to “plan B” in the Netherlands. I will do it.
So, I am back on my track again :)

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And as a final thing, I may as well share another personal issue as well, which I had to figure out. I got a shared bathroom at the Summer School, and it brought back unpleasant memories of a shelter/institution. This initially seemed not very relevant to address, since this somewhat exceeds the core focus of my activism. My room was changed the other night, but somehow, it had brought back some memories of unsafety already. It crawled underneath my skin, and it took me some time to figure out how to deal with this, since it is “private”. But I figured: I may not be the only one. Addressing it is good. Lessons can be learned from it. And there is no need to be ashamed for breaking a taboo or going outside the regular scopes. It’s a relief to speak out freely, and to be who I really am. So I conclude by writing down that I was indeed troubled by having a shared bathroom, and I think that other persons who have experienced forms of institutions possibly may have the same. So after many considerations, I think it is good to openly address this too.
“Without stories, there is silence” , is the first sentence of the introduction of the Australian project Silent Tears (see http://silenttears.com.au/ ) in which I participated yesterday. Indeed it is very important to share experiences, both for personal healing as for collective learning. Speaking out is good.
In Silent Tears I am speaking out against forced body cavity searches in mental health care, also see my testimony: "Gender interrupted by forced psychiatry": https://tekeertegendeisoleer.wordpress.com/2016/10/07/my-personal-perspective-on-gender-and-mental-health-care/

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And I am feeling good now. I basically needed to recover from the intense time, mainly due to the Dutch disappointments. But my feelings of powerlessness have been replaced by new hopes, new faith, new confidence. “Plan B” is under construction. If the Dutch law reform can’t be stopped this time, there will be another time, and we will still push for CRPD-compliant laws. I have a lot of stamina, since I can transform my anger into dedication. I feel the power inside me.
And the battle continues. New rounds up ahead.
;)