personal update: part 2

I am taking my personal update to a next level here, because when I evaluate my previous blog post, I see clearly that I left out 2 most painful issues. 1, I didn’t mention my search for a Dutch lawyer, which is extremely painful (It’s really hard to keep faith in this regard, because I have been let down by many Dutch lawyers in the past – but I keep on trying). And 2, I did mention the shared bathroom, but not the real issue behind it, nor the extent of the impact. I am still in the phase of giving names to my demons, to deal with them.

The shared bathroom experience in Galway was hard, though nothing actually happened there. But it was very disturbing to me, because of unpleasant memories of sexual abuse in a homeless shelter (where they had removed the locks of the ladies sanitary, to prevent drug use by males, but it left me unprotected, so I always watched the door handle…and when I was having a shared bathroom, I looked at the door handle, and suddenly many flashbacks came to me). It made me feel quite unsafe and a bit upset too. This actually triggered feelings of fear, which I noticed the next morning, when I was feeling very lost when I couldn’t find the breakfast entrance. At that moment, I didn’t really dare to enter a building which had no clear sign. (afterwards this appeared to be the right building). But somehow, I felt unsafe, and those feelings were mainly triggered by the shared bath-room experience. And it surprised me how disturbing this was. And I can see that the shared bathroom wasn’t the real issue, but it triggered some nasty stuff, also to my surprise, this had a lot of impact.

I still haven’t really figured out exactly why the confrontation was so disturbing for me, and why it is such a big issue.(Maybe because too many things piled up in these months? Or because I somewhat neglect the experiences of homelessness? Maybe I should face my personal issues more explicitly? (also see my gender-testimony, https://tekeertegendeisoleer.wordpress.com/2016/10/07/my-personal-perspective-on-gender-and-mental-health-care/ ). As I am getting older too (I will turn 40 next year) I am sometimes in a way feeling like I am “too late” to recover from the sexual and gender things, and my chances for founding a family are getting thinner (and what would that mean?). I am not unhappy, yet I know time goes by, so somehow it is an issue. Yet, I am still young. Anything could still happen. It is a deep issue, and I know it is good to speak out, and to be who I am.

Recently, I am also really sad over the suicide of Chester Bennington of Linkin Park. It feels like I lost a kind of friend. I know he struggled with sexual abuse too. He was 41. It hurts to see that he couldn’t live anymore. Music has always played an important role in my life, and I am finding so much support in listening to Linkin Park. It’s hard that he died, since that also brings up personal memories of music associated with persons who died, which was an issue in my youth (also see my testimony: https://tekeertegendeisoleer.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/16-years-old-depressed-and-tortured-in-psychiatry.pdf ). It is just sad. But luckily, there is still a massive amount of great music out there to comfort me, and many great artists are still alive. I mourn for Chester, but I haven’t lost hope myself.

And as I said, my strategy is to deal with the most disturbing things first, because the lesser disturbances the better. So that’s what I am doing. I’m still having a few nuts to crack. (like finding a Dutch lawyer for the civil procedure). However, I am actually doing fine. I have the space to work on everything that needs attention. It only takes time. And luckily I do have the time, so there is no problem. And a little delay of my reports is also no problem. So I am taking time to maximize my happiness first. After all, it’s summertime too.

And I’m actually doing okay. Most of my pet-demons have a name now ;) And I am living my life in all colors, at least it’s never boring. Punk is still alive ;)