personal update: Music and Mental Health

Here is another personal update. I had a pretty intense summer this year, and I had to cope with several battles. Some of which I have already described in an earlier blog post: http://punkertje.waarbenjij.nu/reisverslag/4994123/coping-with-my-dutch-battles

Yet there is another issue that I would like to address, which is about music and mental health.

The impact of music on mental health is not so often addressed, yet I feel a strong need to share my experiences here, especially since the recent tragedies, the recent suicides of the artists Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington, which have been quite intense for me. This is because it confronts me with my personal past in several ways. I want to share some of my personal experiences here, because music had such a deep impact on my own life. I hope that the lessons I learned from it may be useful for others too.

SUMMARY:
During my life, I experienced various impacts of music on my personal mental health.
I learned that music can have a very strong impact on one’s mood and mental health. Feelings can be influenced by music (positively or negatively). I have both positive and negative experiences with music affecting my mental health and wellbeing. At many times in my life, music has helped me to cope with life’s challenges, such as by bringing comfort and empowerment. Yet once, I got “lost” in music, which was rather a symptom than a cause of my mental health problems at that time.

Music can have a very powerful impact on one’s mood, and on the atmosphere in general. Yet it is an individual choice whether and how the music can influence your mood, and whether to attach meaning and identification to music, sounds and lyrics. Sometimes music is highly meaningful to me, and sometimes music is just an ambiance or a sound in the background, and sometimes it’s mainly a flow to dance.

I learned that, regardless of which music is playing, I can still decide for myself how I deal with my feelings, such as having the choice between solitude or speaking out. I can influence my own experience of wellbeing, such as by selecting certain music. And I can decide how much meaning I give to music, and how far my mood is influenced by music (there is a switch to it).

I would like to stress how important it is to keep on communicating about your feelings, and not have walls around yourself. This has been a very important lesson in my life, which I would like to share here.

INTRODUCTION:
I have both positive and negative experiences with music affecting my mental health and wellbeing. At age 16, I got “lost” in music, which was rather a symptom than a cause of my mental health problems at that time.

LOST IN MUSIC: OBSESSED BY A SONG
In my youth, I got “obsessed” with a certain song. It started when I was having a hard time in my adolescence. I found comfort in a song: Jeanny (by Falco). I played that song over and over again because I felt just as lost as that song sounded. My concept of Jeanny was that she had become my “best friend”. I imagined that “she” would understand my feelings unconditionally, like nobody else would. I imagined a connection in my mind to access this comfort zone. I had “her” on my side. I knew there wasn’t a real connection, but I thought that I had found a clever and useful way to feel stronger on my own, since I could imagine “Jeanny” beside me.

Unfortunately, I did not realize at that time, that I was in fact hiding myself, which eventually made me feel increasingly lonely and lost. In fact I stopped engaging with my surroundings, since I only focused on the music. Eventually, my life started to seem rather meaningless to me. I was spending much time in solitude, alone in my room with the music. Yet the music didn’t really change my mood. In fact, I could bring myself down endlessly, without getting any fresh input. At that time, I did not realize that by imagining this “friendship with Jeanny”, I was actually closing myself down for social interaction.

DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF SOLITUDE:
Unfortunately, at that time, 1994, Kurt Cobain (Nirvana) committed suicide, and from that moment, I secretly started to think about suicide as well. Life seemed so empty. By now I can see I was just longing for comfort, and I wanted to think that death would mean that “I could be with Jeanny” which to me meant: finding comfort and peace. In September 1994, I eventually did a suicide attempt myself, and I was placed in a psychiatric hospital (against my will). Unfortunately, I did not get the support that I needed. There was a huge lack of attention, and in fact, I was subjected to horrible practices in mental health care, which have been deeply traumatizing. It was a continuous struggle, and I felt surrounded by “people who didn’t understand me”. I felt more lonely than ever, and my concept of “Jeanny” was still my only real comfort zone. I still felt suicidal. I was trapped in a downward spiral of increasing loneliness.

In solitude, I was clinging on to my concept of “Jeanny” more and more, and somehow, I had lost the hope of being understood by anyone. Yet, change only came when my solitude ended.

SPEAK OUT AND FIND PEERS:
Change only came when I was no longer isolated in solitude.
Basically, I needed a real life, with real people, to replace my imaginary world.

I learned that it is very important to speak out about my real inner feelings. At some point I found understanding from peers, and developed new friendships. The gap I had experienced between “me” and “the world” started to decline, and I started to connect again. I could identify with some others, and I no longer felt utterly alone and misunderstood. It was very important for me to be able to relate to the world around me. I no longer felt so out of place, but I gained new hope that maybe I was “able to live”. This new hope made my suicidal thoughts fade.

Slowly I started changing. Instead of only focusing on music and thinking of how lost I was, I wanted to do other things. I found more and more nice and comfortable things to occupy myself with, such as having fun with my friends, eating candy and making music by ourselves. Good laughter was surely a part of that too. I started to feel alive again, and I developed new hopes for the future. Eventually, I no longer needed the concept of “Jeanny” in my life. All of a sudden, it seemed useless to spend so much time in solitude, when I could also go outside and have fun with my friends, with whom I could enjoy music together, share my thoughts, and they gave me fresh input. I was open to them, because I felt a connection. I felt no more need to withdraw myself in an “imaginary bubble”. I was no longer preferring solitude. I had found a way to be myself, and to feel comfortable in my life. In fact, I actually started aiming for a nice life (opposite to contemplating suicide).

So basically, once I started meeting new people, I felt less alone, and the people enriched my life.
Eventually, the social contacts were what stopped my need to escape into an imaginary world of “Jeanny”. It made me see new options in life.

*
By all of this, I learned that music can be a very powerful trigger on mental health issues, and how important it is to keep on communicating about your feelings, and not have walls around yourself.


EMPOWERED BY THE RIGHT MUSIC:
After this experience with “Jeanny”, I have been quite selective in my music. I don’t listen to sad songs like Jeanny anymore. I prefer music that is lifting me up and makes me feel empowered. So, in the following years, I basically made sure that my choices in music would stimulate my connection to life, and not be associated with loneliness and death, since I don’t want to be reminded of my nasty past, which caused so much pain. So now, I basically prefer music that makes me happy, which is highly subjective of course, and depending on the moment.

Anyway, music is still a very important coping mechanism for me. The right music makes me feel great. Music can be a support to cope with emotional pain, and it can make me feel happy to be alive. Cheers to the countless great concerts I have enjoyed!

*
So obviously, music can have both a positive or negative impact on mental health. Due to my personal experiences, I am very much aware of this difference to me. I am very aware of the choice I have in which music I pick to listen, and how this can affect my wellbeing. This is a valuable lesson in my life.


CONFRONTING EVENTS IN 2017:
For a long time, I thought that I had found out which music was “safe” for me.
Then, in May 2017, when I read about the suicide of Chris Cornell (Audioslave/Soundgarden). I was deeply moved and shocked. Initially I blocked the intense feelings that had been stirred up, since I was travelling from meeting to meeting, and I didn’t really have the time to think about my personal past at that moment. I promised myself I would pay attention to it later. Yet the news affected me deeply, bringing up sad memories, as well as worries about the present generation. I know what could go wrong, and it gives me the shivers.

Coincidentally, at the same time, I was also working on my personal court case against psychiatry which was already bringing up many sad feelings from the past (including thoughts about my concept of “Jeanny”). The grief of my past was already in my system. So the situation was extra confronting and painful.

Throughout June 2017 I travelled to some more meetings (Strasbourg, New York and Galway), advocating for change. Yet there was an enormous amount of restlessness inside me. I knew that this was largely due to my personal court case: studying my past brings up many feelings. Also there were some recent disappointments : no access Dutch justice, and the ongoing horrible Dutch law reforms which expand forced treatments instead of banning them. It all puts a lot of weight on my shoulders. It is extremely painful to think that despite all of my efforts, there is no guarantee that others will be safe when they may need mental health care now. It really hurts. So when I came home from the series of meeting in June, I was really a bit overloaded and exhausted. I needed to recover, and I had a pile of work waiting for me as well.

Then while I was recovering (with the help of some nice music of course), in July 2017, I found out about the suicide of Chester Bennington (Linkin Park). Again I was really moved and shocked, like many others. I grieved for the loss, and I tried to give it a place. Yet over the weeks, I found out that dealing with the tragedies of the suicides of these artists turned out to be much harder than I initially thought. It is not only a very sad loss and a tragedy in itself, it also reminds me of nasty memories of my own past, bringing up pain. Besides that, it gives me worries about the present generation, since there may be persons at risk of getting “lost” in music. Also I feel deep pain over my inability to bring sufficient change to mental health care practices so far, especially since the current situation has some comparable and confronting aspects. All of this hurts.

Yet I found out there is more. For many years, I have felt safe with the music I listened to. But I have noticed that my body responds with fear to the recent tragedies. Apparently, I needed to combat some (irrational) fear that “music with a link to suicide” would somewhat automatically result in mental health problems and other horrors for me (which reflects my past, but is not a real thing to fear now). I know that “music with a link to suicide” is a trauma of my past, not an actual issue. It just hurts like an old injury.

At first, recently, I felt a bit insecure to listen to Linkin Park any more. But I overcame the insecurity. I know the music in itself cannot harm me. And obviously, the deeds of these artists actually say nothing about me. After all, I am responsible for my own actions myself. The situation only hurts, and it brings up a lot of pain. I recognize that most of my current feelings around these tragedies are actually forms of grief and pain, with a large element from my personal past. I can understand why the recent tragedies in the music scene hit me so hard, especially since I was already reliving my memories by working on my personal case and reviewing my own psychiatric files (very painful).

The wounds of my past are just very painful. By now, I am slowly healing from this all. It has taken some time to come to terms with the many feelings involved. I am aware that the situation is painful, and the grief takes time, but in the end, I know that I am safe, whatever music is playing. I am okay, since I already learned a number of valuable lessons in my past about how to deal with music in regards of my mental health and wellbeing.

*
So in this analysis, I conclude that my mental health is not automatically defined by music or related associations. I am in control myself. It is a fact that my feelings can be influenced by music, both positively or negatively, but eventually, I can decide how I deal with my feelings myself (solitude or speaking out). I can influence my own experience of wellbeing, such as by selecting empowering music. And I can even decide how far my mood is influenced by music (there is a switch to it).


IDENTIFICATION AND MEANING
Obviously, I did feel connected to the singers who recently died by suicide. I found meaning in their lyrics and attitudes, I loved the beats and sounds. It empowered me. I felt recognition. Their music was very meaningful to me, and it still is. And because of this identification with these artists, their suicides did unintentionally bring up some questions about my own vulnerability for such tragedies (depression and suicide). It made me insecure.

Yet as I just concluded, I am safe, because the deeds of these artists actually say nothing about me. (I didn’t even see it coming, which again shows the difference). So there is no reason to worry about my own mental health, except that I am dealing with some personal grief here.

Indeed, music and related associations can have a very powerful impact on one’s mood, feelings, thoughts and on the atmosphere in general. Yet it is basically an individual choice which role the music gets to play, whether and how the music can influence your mood, and whether to attach meaning and identification to music, sounds and lyrics.

Sometimes music is highly meaningful to me, and sometimes music is just an ambiance or a sound in the background, and sometimes it’s mainly a flow to dance. I can choose which role I give to music in my life, and whether I give it any meaning beyond the music itself.

After all, there are many ways to enjoy music, and one has a choice.
I learned that I can decide on the role of music in my own life, and that I have control over the way I enjoy music, and over the level of meaning and identification I give to music and artists. I may choose to listen closely, or I may decide not to. I may take lyrics serious, or I may decide not to. I may allow myself to be very sensitive to music, or I may decide that it is just a random background sound in my life. I can use music and parties to temporarily escape from my daily reality. All of these are choices.

Nowadays, I pick the form and role of music that is most pleasant to me, which may vary per moment, but overall, I try to make sure that the music contributes positively to my mental health.


SUBLIMAL MESSAGING IN MUSIC:
The issue of hearing concrete sublime, supernatural messages through music has not really been a major issue in my life as such, although my concept of Jeanny can be understood as a perceived “supernatural connection” (although it was more like a perceived friendship).

Of course it is a matter of personal beliefs of how one views “supernatural connections and messages through music”. The main question in this regard is: Why do you hear a certain thing at a certain moment? And of course opinions may vary on the meaning of why things happen in life.

To me, when it comes to music, I feel that I have a choice of how much meaning I would like to give to certain events. I have found out by experience how attaching meaning to music can impact my mental health and wellbeing in several ways, and I learned to take care of my balance in this regard. For me, the bottom line is that music is meant to be enjoyed.

So personally, I don’t envision any “supernatural connections though music” anymore. To me, music is just a way to make my life nicer. And I am very aware of the interaction, and even risks, of the relation between music and mental health. I learned to find my balance.


*
The impact of music on mental health is not so often addressed, yet I felt a strong need to share my experiences here, especially since music had such a deep impact on my own life at various moments, including the recent tragedies. I hope that the lessons I learned during my experiences may be useful for others too (even though every situation is different of course). The relations between music and mental health experiences can be complex, as my personal story illustrates.

Most importantly, I have learned that I have a choice in how I deal with music, and how I nurture my mental health and wellbeing.

I would like to encourage everyone to speak out about their feelings.


*

ADDITIONAL UPDATE ON MY ACTIVISM

SOME POSITIVE NEWS:
In the beginning of this post, I referred to some challenges and battles regarding my Dutch activism against forced psychiatric interventions (also see an earlier blog post: http://punkertje.waarbenjij.nu/reisverslag/4994123/coping-with-my-dutch-battles )

Recently, there have been some really great things happening in my life. I am making progress in my attempts to access justice to expose the abuses by forced psychiatry in the Netherlands.

In August 2017, I found a Dutch lawyer willing to take on the civil proceedings against the psychiatric hospital that subjected me to horrible acts of torture and ill-treatment (1994-1997). This is an incredible milestone after so many years of getting only rejections. It is a huge step. And it brings new hope into my life. I really celebrated the fact that I finally found a Dutch lawyer willing to take my case. It feels like a miracle. It seemed nearly impossible, and yet I finally succeeded. Persistence is apparently rewarded eventually. It makes me very happy.

And also the preparation of submitting my case to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg is all going okay. So overall, my case actually looks quite good now (what a miracle!). It’s very special to experience such actual progress in my attempts to access justice, after so many long years of struggling, so many rejections and so much disappointments (so much pain).

Apparently, it’s not yet too late to make my dreams come true. This gives me hope.
Maybe I could still succeed to stop the Dutch law proposals on forced treatments….
I am going to try my best to make that happen!
I am hopeful!